There still is no outline below the top level. Paragraphing does not exist: each section is one indeterminate lump. Within that lump, sentences are still jumbled without interrelationship. Organizational improvement is the key to improving your writing overall.

Unclear writing both leads from and back to unclear thinking. As an example, the large idea here is that international human rights principles should be represented and protected in states' domestic data privacy law, at least so far as that law purports to regulate state activity. (That this is the least of the general impetus towards data privacy legislation isn't mentioned or analytically considered.) But this idea is presented as an alternative to the domestic focus of domestic legislation, where—unless only human rights-related principles are relevant—is not a coherent frame. An introduction which actually introduced your idea clearly and tersely, would have surfaced that problem and changed the flow of the draft.