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CharlesRiceFirstEssay 4 - 15 Nov 2020 - Main.EbenMoglen
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< | It is strongly recommended that you include your outline in the body of your essay by using the outline as section titles. The headings below are there to remind you how section and subsection titles are formatted. | | | Hacking the Parasite: Why Rebuilding the Net Needs to Start in the Developing World | | | Modes of transmitting knowledge are the fundamental mechanisms of power. At its worst, the net is the ultimate tool for expanding the architecture of power--the means by which the few control the many. To combat this, we need to start where the many live and the few have yet to establish their structures of control. | |
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This is a competent and coherent draft. I agree with pretty much everything it says, for what that might be worth in explaining why it makes me feel a little unsatisfied, as though there were less to the draft than meets the eye.
There are three areas where I feel that dissatisfaction as a route to the improvement of the writing, rather than as some old man's dyspepsia of my own. First, your developing countries are pretty much a monolith of not being the free rich people. They are the collective subject of sentences, rather than consisting of subjects with their own conditions, which certainly vary and in ways just as important as the mere nuances between the US, the EU, Russia, and China. (Whether the Chinese are a developing society is merely another ripple in that sea.)
Second, to say that structures of control have not yet been established in the developing societies seems a little fanciful to me. India? Kenya? Brazil? It just doesn't sound right to me. Perhaps this is about a matter of expression, but I think it might be more substantial than that.
Third, the words are long, as are the sentences. What is here can be said so much more succinctly. The space left would immediately get filled, I am sure, by your other ideas.
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