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NatalieYoukelFirstEssay 4 - 09 Jan 2016 - Main.EbenMoglen
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| | | The widespread and increasing use of biometric data collection among market industries will eventually lead to the complete demise of anonymity. As a result, it is likely that we will find ourselves in a world where it isn’t only celebrities that never leave the confines of their houses without a large hat, a pair of gloves, and a dark pair of sunglasses. | |
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< | It would be good to link to sources, not list them: this is the Web. | >
> | It doesn't look to me like you proofread the paper on the web, so you didn't notice that your way of making links was wrong. Please straighten that out. Learning to write for the web means learning to make your text usable to people. | | | | |
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< | The next draft should straighten out the confusion between facial recognition and biometrics. The face is just one of the many forms of biometric information, none of which you can change. If the subject is biometrics, discussion of facial recognition is under-inclusive. If the subject is facial recognition, limitation to private corporate surveillance is under-inclusive. | >
> | I agree that among the choices I presented in the comments last time, you chose one, that is, to write about biometric data. But the way you chose to do so was by replacing sentences about "facial-recognition" with sentences about "biometrics," which then gave you more factual situations of collection to write about, which made the analysis weaker. You could see that this was the problem, but you didn't fix it, you just lamented it. The real invitation wasn't to change the words, but to make the idea more powerful, and that you didn't do. | | | | |
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< | If the subject is facial recognition produced by the application of machine learning to large numbers of photos people meant to share only with friends and family, the problem is one more instance of why centralized "social networking" is bad. If you were using a $50 FreedomBox to share your photos, they would only be shared with your real friends, not the data-miners, and there would be many fewer images of your around, particularly if your friends also stopped their ridiculous unsafe sharing..... | >
> | The real invitation presented is to get away from the "hat and
sunglasses" level of denial, and to consider what it means that human
bodies are in a Net which now consciously tries to use the phenotype
of the organism to predict and control its behavior. The result
wouldn't be different sentences, but different thoughts. I tried from
before the Thanksgiving break through the end of the course to model
one possible mode of thinking that is particularly relevant, but the
point is the one you would come up with, not the one I have, given the
inquiry you began, but then restricted to the scope of your
first-draft thinking, as well as your first-draft writing. | | |
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I decided to make the paper about biometrics instead of just facial recognition. I hope that this draft successfully takes into account your suggestions. I did find it slightly difficult to adequately explain the use of biometrics across industries due to the 1,000 word limit.
You are entitled to restrict access to your paper if you want to. But we all derive immense benefit from reading one another's work, and I hope you won't feel the need unless the subject matter is personal and its disclosure would be harmful or undesirable.
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