I. Introduction

“Power, skill, and fulfillment.” Ever since my last-minute transition from medicine into law, I have known that was what I wanted to get out of my professional life. For me, power and skill are closely related, and each is a means to an end. I consider power to be the set of all those external conditions, money, connections, and status that are helpful to achieve one’s ends. Skill is the set of all the internal resources like perception, persuasion, and efficiency with power. Fulfillment is a more difficult concept for me. I have always known that I wanted to help people, hence my original draw to medical school. However, the medical field simply had no appeal to me beyond its opportunity to help people. Thus I pursued my passion in philosophy and argument, and went to law school, where the opportunity to develop my skills, and be placed in a position to attain power, greatly appealed to me. And I hoped that I would be able to find fulfillment.

II. Law School Blinders

My first semester in law school played a nasty trick on me, for the first time, I failed to realize that there was an “outside.” I was trapped inside this very carefully constructed world that promised skill and power through prestigious professors and lofty salaries. This was made worse by the fact that I thought I did see the “outside.” I thought by seeing through all the feel-good assemblies, and realizing that the law school was, in its most basic form, a business designed to package us, that I saw through the veil. I understood that I was a product being made, and I was okay with it because I would be made into a skillful powerful attorney. I arrogantly thought that I was already seeing outside. I was wrong.

III. Enlightenment

With a little “encouragement,” I was able to see that there was an “inside.” I came to realize that my perceptions of developing power and skill were accurate, but it wasn’t my power and skill that was going to be developed. I was fuel, and I would fuel others development in exchange for a paycheck. It didn’t take long before I began to wonder what exactly it was that occupied the outside of this unappealing box. It hit me all at once, like a train, like my ideas tend to. I didn’t merely realize ephemeral possibilities - I realized my future options, and they were more than I thought. I realized that in two years, I do not need to work for a law firm to pay off my crushing student debts. I do not even need to work for a law firm to further develop my skills and power. I can, if I happen to find one that suits my needs, but only if I find that it will be a useful relationship for me in my development. I have never been the type to self-doubt, and would like to think that I am less risk averse than most (but who wouldn’t). More than teaching me any sort of learned helplessness, the indoctrination of law school had blinded me. Then I opened my eyes. I realized that part of developing my skills is seeing the best path for development. The mass “submit application here,” process does not always lead to the best path, and I have reached the point in my life where I may need to find my own.

IV. My Fulfillment

Finally I come to my fulfillment. This is where the outside is unclear. I know that it exists, but I do not yet know what it contains. I know that I want to help people. My original plan was to develop all the skills and power that I could, then go off and help people. Then I heard something that made me reconsider. “Know what is enough.” I never have. I know this about myself, and I would never stop. I realized that I was trapping myself into a life of pursuing becoming the perfect means, and never affecting any end. Having the potential to do great things is no better than having the potential to do terrible things, either way nothing is changed. I understood that my development must also be active progress toward my goals. I could not separate them.

V. My Path

Now that I understand my path of development more clearly, I can begin to focus on what type of help it is that I would like to supply. I am naturally drawn to criminal defense because of my opportunities to witness such injustices. However, I would like to think I have become enlightened enough to realize that there are many other options. I know that whatever I choose, I want to make a difference in the world, and that changing one man’s life can have the same effect whether through a criminal proceeding or some other means, which brings me to my final revelation.

Perhaps it is not my role to change one life at a time. Just as I have begun to see outside the law school bubble of oppressive loans and law firms, I have started to see outside my personal views. I have always thought that what I would like to do is make my difference by helping one person at a time, because I think it is rewarding to see short term, individualized results. The effect that can be had on a single person with little effort is profound. However, what if everyone else thinks the same way? The system is broken, and I must decide if I will play within the rules, or change the system. This is the question that I will be exploring for the rest of my time in law school, and perhaps after. I hope to find some answers this summer while working for the federal defender, but even if I don’t I will “see” from yet another angle.

-- BrianHooven - 08 Apr 2013